Llega la lluvia….

Hace ya unos cuantos días que no me acerco por aqui…
Me encuentro demasiado encerrada en mi misma, cada vez más. A pesar de los esfuerzos que realizo, acudiendo a las terapias, que por otro lado parece que funcionan de alguna manera….me siento mejor sola.
Puede ser que ya me he acomodado a la situación, o que ya me siento tan agotada, tan utilizada, tan herida, que como una leona en semejantes circunstancias se retira a lo más recondito a lamerse y descansar.
Descansar….mira por donde…no soy la única por estos lares que parece necesitada de ese descanso cuerpo, alma y mente…
Esta mañana, me llovía por dentro cuando leía acerca de como se siente mi gran amiga Naara….
Y es que es normal, cuando pierdes a la única persona en el mundo capaz de entenderte sin mediar palabra alguna…aquella a la que acudir en busca de lo que en tantas ocasiones el mundo te niega, sosiego!
Y como no vas a estar asi amiga mía! si a tí ahora más que llover te ha de diluviar!
Deja que corra….que lave tus penas y tu cansancio, que lo lleve todo, deja mecerte por las aguas de la calma, por que el, esta al tu alrededor, por que está en ti, nada más y nada menos !!
O eso quiero pensar yo de mi padre….que me falta desde hace tantos y tantos años, que no los quiero contar, por que es su presencia física lo me falta, pero el…esta muy dentro de mi.
Y sigue lloviendo…y me gusta…pero creo que me ha de llover aún más para acabar de oler a tierra mojada.
Mientras, amiga del alma, mi mano y mi corazón, están más cerca de lo que piensas, aunque siga en mi mundo encerrada, sabes, que para ti siempre esta la puerta abierta.

A warm red scarf for my sorrow…

Last Sept.25th, I was reading my favourite blogs, and I sow an special spost in one of them:
LITTLE ACORN Lisa was describing how she was found the perfect patterb for some yarn she had, anf thouth to do an scarf, and added a very beautiful pic!!

This morning , as many others , I felt soo weak, soo in pain, completly stiffed, I hardly could sleep four hours….even my hair, my skin and my soul was in pain, in sorrow…deep sorrow.
And I felt so lonley and sad….then this pic arrived to me to the bottom of my heart, it touch me!
I imagined the coolness of my sickness in the metal of the little girl to the open air, its attitude dejected… trying to go untoniced by the world, wanting to hide in any hole….cool outside and inside …
But there is the red scarf…some one knitted a red scarf with its warn hands, and warmed the litttle girl…
It made me think that someone by my side, probably too had knitted a red scarf with passion in order to give warmness to my life, to my days, to my tortured body.
But I couldn´t saw it before….because I am always looking to the floor.
Lisa… Thank you very much for this post. You had tought me that with an easy pattern, one can knitt a beautiful scarf to bundle up from the cool of the life, and that we have to look at the front even when it is painful.
I couldn´t write this post before for health issues…so here goes the story.
So goes my life, degrading day by day but I kepp fighting….and I need strenghs, and I don´t know where to find them!!!
Thank you very much indeed to Lisa Roberts for her kind permission to reproduce her picture, I leave her link so you can visit her lovely blog!! Just enjoy It as I do !!

Still with the bad news, and bad days

I really wanted to post something funny realted to last week end…but …there wasn´t no material enough for it!
Bad news from Barcelona…Esther is back to drink…she is lost again and so depressed, his father so rude, we had some telephonic words….
Jessica is having problems with her kidneys…I cross my fingers…she has a typr of esclerosys, the Bourneville desease….it´s like a cross over us for the whole life!
Pablo is dying, he can´t see or talk already, they took him from the hospital to home for die…isn´t sad?
My friend Naara, her daughter, is my best friend…and I´m feeling so sad…

About myself…I have no words…the pain is killing me, the stress made me crazy, my cat doesn´t leave me sleep for 3 or 4 hours….and my buddy…welll, I think the things right now are more close to a rupture than a another thing….
I need calm, peace, don´t be preasured, don´t be controlled, need sleep, need rest, need caring.
Need someone by my side who share my problems, and don´t insult me or my daughters….or treate me like a nothing….saying I LOVE YOU is not enough!!!
I can´t live this way…..I wish I could find a hole to hide!

There´s no more….I´m afraid!

Handling with migraine and storms…

And it´s not easy….I´m feeling so tired after four days with that dammed pain, this time, even Inmigran hasn´t work…
The worse comes when I have to go out, the daylight, the noise, all tourns out a hell…I just feel a bit comfortable at bed, all in the dark, alone with myself…and my pain.
But last night there was a little break in the early morning, it would be near one, when a huge summer storm interrupted all the night silence with the rain pouring and the big hail, the dark was broken by the lightings , two hours after, calm came back to my dark room again…

Summer storm with hail over Madrid

Bad, Bad and Worse days

Not good times, for change….my back is getting worse, I am almost eating medicines, trying to deal the last summer hot with my electrical cushion….at bed, from the bed to a hard chair, walking like a zombie through the house, and so on….

If phisical subjects are really ugly….affective and psiquical are rather the same, so I am going to save in these crisis´s times…. : )

To make short the long story…I leave my ex for abuses….so the thing is repeting againg and now I am not that strong and I don´t know where I am going to hold on to go out of this….

So many things coming to my mind to hurt me, so many comes to help me, it´s a kind of inner fight, and I´m feeling really tired.

Dowm here in Spain just starting another day… good morning !

Not the best way to start a Saturday…..

It all begans at 03:20 a.m , I thought I was dreaming….I am overmedicated due to a large list of illness, and I´m usually goes a kind of zoombie. But there were my neighbors who decided was a reasonable time to make a happy party!!!

Police came to 05.10, so party were over….and I was so sleepy but not enough to go to bed again….once this happen, one hour latter, my adorable kitty Chupito, started their own daily dance for food, and I said for my self, please God, tell me it is a nightmare!!! I took my slipper and throught right away to him, but that wasn´t enough for him, my slippers are so light!!! ….so here is Julia again walking around the flat like a zoombie , feeding a glutton kitty, loking for its insulin shot…any of this day I ´ll shot myself….. and then…don´t know why…or yes…my ex came to mi mind and I thought, …you´re not going to sleep anymore for today…..so…I give up and have a nice cup of coffee, expresso.

Hope you have a nicest way to wake up today….here is pic of Chupito…